What NOT to do at Hogwarts
by charmspeaker
Summary: James Sirius Potter was a trouble maker, everyone knew that. So when McGonagall assigns to him an essay about the rules of Hogwarts she should have known he wouldn't do it the way she had expected


**A/N: This is my first Harry Potter story so don't hesitate to give me any pointers on how to improve my story. Reviews are very much appreciated and feel free to ask me any questions.**

For those of you who knew James Potter knew he was always getting into trouble. He was after all the named after the two greatest pranksters Hogwarts has ever seen. Him and Fred Weasley already had a reputation for the pranks they do. So it really wasn't a surprise when…

"JAMES SIRIUS POTTER"

"Oh your in real trouble now mate" his best mate Fred Weasley said.

James looked up to see Headmistress McGonagall marching straight towards the Gryffindor table not looking very pleased.

"Potter care to explain to me why the Slytherin common room is now a swamp" Headmistress McGonagall said.

"And what makes you think that I did it Minnie" he said grinning up at her.

"Well I don't know maybe it was because you signed your name on the wall."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that."

"My office now."

"Good luck mate, you'll need it" Fred whispered.

* * *

Headmistress McGonagall's office

* * *

"Do you have any idea how irresponsible that was somebody could have got hurt" Headmistress McGonagall said.

"But no one did get hurt."

"That's not the point."

"Three months detention for your stupidity."

"But professor" James whined.

"No buts and while your at it write a 3 foot essay on what you did wrong I expect it by tomorrow" Headmistress McGonagall said.

"Ill never get that done before tomorrow it'll take forever with all the homework I have to do" James complained.

"Then you better get started if you wan to finish it all."

* * *

Gryffindor dorms

* * *

"Three months detention wow Minnie must have been really upset!" Fred said.

"I know plus I have that three foot essay how am I gonna get it done by tomorrow"

"You could always get Al to help you"

"No way Al would tell mum and I would be grounded for life."

"I'm sure Minnie will tell your parents so go ask Al, it won't matter either way."

3 hours of homework later

James was tired. It was already eleven and he hadn't even started on the essay yet! He was so doomed. He didn't even know what to write. James grinned and just like that he knew exactly what he was gonna do.

What NOT to do at Hogwarts

By: James Sirius Potter

1.) I will not call McGonagall 'Minnie'

2.) I will not die my hair blonde and say I'm a Malfoy

3.) I will not say that Scorpius Malfoy is the next dark lord

4.) Or any other student

5.) I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor

6.) I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"

7.) I will not refer to McGonagall as catwoman

8.)I will not sell tickets to get into the chamber of secrets

9.)I will not fly a car to Hogwarts because the train ride is boring

10.) I will not use invisibility charms on anybodys clothing

11.) I am not a Vampire Slayer and Teddy Lupin is not my watcher

12.) I am not Voldemorts illegitimate love child.

13.) I am not a reincarnation of Merlin

14.) Seamus Finnigan is not after my lucky charms

15.) Voldemort is not my role model

16.) I will not tattoo the dark mark on my arm

17.) The song "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" isn't appropriate

18.) Voldemort is not Saurons cousin

19.) I will not go bungee jumping off the astronomy tower

20.) I will not tell first years that I will banish them to the shadow realm

21.) I will not convince Hagrid that pokemon are real animals

22.) Seamus Finnigan does not have a pot of gold under his bed

23.) I will not sell tickets to watch a basilisk and a giant spider fight

24.) I will not tell people that Teddy Lupin is a werewolf

25.) I will not call Professor Flitwick a dwarf

26.) I am not allowed to say Hermione secretly loves Draco Malfoy

27.) I will not call Luna Lovegood as Galadriel

28.) I will not tell first years that expelliarmus is a unforgivable

29.) I will not use the Gryffindor sword to patrol the halls

30.) I am not allowed to bring a magic eight ball to divination

31.) I will not go around asking people what gender they are

32.) I will not tell people that I am gonna resurrect Voldemort

33.) I am not allowed to say that the killing curse isn't an unforgivable

34.) I am not allowed to doodle the dark mark on my potions essay

35.) I am not allowed to doodle the dark mark on any essay

36.) I am not allowed to say that Voldemort is alive again

37.) I will not accio peoples clothes

38.) I will not give McGonagall catnip

39.) I will not use the Sirius Pun

40.) I will not tell people that Voldemort is in the Forbidden Forest

41.) I will not tell people that using expelliarmus will send you to Azkaban

42.) I will not turn the Slytherin common room into a swamp

43.) I will not tell the first years on the train that they have to fight a troll

44.) I will not draw the dark mark on a sleeping student

45.) I will not write my essays in red ink claiming its blood

46.) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord

47.) I am not allowed to give Teddy Lupin a flee collar

48.) I am not allowed to scream "Nazgul" when ever I see a dementor

49.) I will not draw a smiley face on my arm and tell people its the new dark mark

50.) I will not tell people that there are Ents in the Forbidden Forest

51.) I am not the Care of Witches Underware Professor

52.) Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled Firewhiskey

53.) I am not allowed to feed first years to fluffy

54.) I will not greet McGonagall with "What's new pussycat"

55.) I will not tell people that Gandalf is Dumbledore's long lost brother

56.) There is no "open mike night" at Hogwarts

57.) There is no bring a muggle to school day

58.) I am not allowed to say that Sirius has "taken the veil"

59.) I am not allowed to use red paint and write creepy messages on walls

60.) I am not allowed to call McGonagall the wicked witch of the west

61.) I will not use silencing charms on my professors

62.) I am not allowed to prophesy the end of the world

63.) I am not allowed to charm Slytherins to sing 99 Bottles of Potion on the Wall

64.) I am not allowed to say using reducto will send you to Azkaban

65.) I am not allowed to tell first years that I will sacrifice them to the giant squid

66.) Luna Lovegood is not a elf

67.) I will not tell first years that house elves work for Santa Clause

68.) I am not allowed to sell Veritaserum

69.) I am not allowed to sell Polyjuice Potion

70.) I will not claim that there is a prequel to Hogwarts A History

71.) I will not use the Marauders Map for stalking purposes

72.) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing

73.) I will not give McGonagall string for Christmas

74.) I am not allowed to wear bathrobes instead of robes

75.) I am not allowed to tell people that Draco Malfoy is a vampire named Spike

76.) I am not allowed to tell people that robes are optional

77.) I am not a Balrog animagus

78.) I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room

79.) I will not tell people that Scorpius Malfoy's animagus form is a ferret

80.) I will not tell first years to build a tree house in the Whomping Willow

81.) I am not allowed to dress up as Voldemort

82.) I am not allowed to take the Giant Squid to the Yule ball

83.) I am not allowed to sing "Do you Believe in Magic" in muggle studies

84.) I am not allowed to sell drugs

85.) I will not throw lemons at people and say "life has given you lemons"

86.) I am not allowed to say I am a dragon animagus

87.) I am not allowed to put owls under the sorting hat

88.) I will not yell "bam" every time I apparate

89.) I am not allowed to paint house elves blue and call them smurfs

90.) I am not allowed to feed first years to Aragog

91.) I am not allowed to attempt to make Nearly Headless Nick just Headless Nick

92.) I am not allowed to steal Teddy Lupin's stash of chocolate

93.) I am not allowed to make a army of pygmy puffs

94.) I am not allowed to accuse Luna Lovegood of stealing my sanity

95.) I am not allowed to create a day called "Slap a Slytherin Day"

96.) I will not put signs on the library door saying that it is closed

97.) I will not tell first year girls that there are unicorns in the Forbidden Forest

98.) I will not tell first years that Hagrid will eat them

99.) I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro potion with pumpkin juice

100.) I will not make "do the hippogriff" by the weird sisters the new sorting hat song

101.) I am not allowed to say that the Hufflepuffs are covered in bees

102.) I am not allowed to ask the Arithmancy Proffesor what the square root of -1 is

103.) I am not allowed to say that Sirius Black founded the Sirius Cybernetics Cooperation

104.) I will not say that Filch has a sister named Magenta

105.) I will not say that the Malfoy's are vampires

106.) Hogwarts does not have a student council

107.) I am not allowed to "borrow" a prefects badge for peeves

108.) I am not allowed to replace the Slytherins brooms with regular ones

109.) The correct way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me Proffesor" not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence"

110.) I will not tell muggleborns that the forbidden forest's real name is Mirkwood

111.) I am not allowed to conjure the words 'drink me' onto any vial of potion

112.) I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News

113.) I am not allowed to say that there is a fifth house at Hogwarts

114.) I will not dye the Slytherins Robes pink

115.) I do not have a Cyberman Patronus

116.) I am not allowed to try to recreate the Whomping Willow in Herbology claas

117.) If Death Eaters ever attack Hogsmeade I am not allowed to point at the dark mark and cry "to the Batmobile, Robin"

118.) I am not allowed to do a report on witch burning in Muggle Studies

119.) I am not allowed to say that "Alls fair in love and war" is the official rule for Hogwarts

120.) I am not allowed to say that there is a sequel to Hogwarts, A History

121.) I am also not allowed to say that there is a prequel to it either

122.) Just because there are three unforgivable curses doesn't mean that all the other ones are forgivable

123.) I am not allowed to ask Proffessor McGonagall and Teddy Lupin if they have had all their shots

124.) Kentucky Fried Chicken is not really Kentucky Fried Owl and I am not to refer to it as such

125.) I am not allowed to tell first years about the time a Hogwarts Christmas Tree ate a student

126.) I am not allowed to say that Albus Dumbledore is related to Willy Wonka

127.) I am not allowed to lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in the same room

128.) There is no such thing as a Hufflepuff Marshmellow Man

129.) I am not allowed to tell the Ravenclaws that they are basically useless seeing as Hogwarts smartest student is in a different house

130.) Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count as extra credit

131.) Dracula is not required reading for DADA classes

132.) I will not cover myself in chocolate body paint to attempt to repel dementors

133.) I am not qualified to perform exorcism on Hogwarts ghosts

134.) I am not allowed to tell people that Gringotts is the entrance to the Labyrinth

135.) I am not allowed to ask pureblood students things like "if your mother and father got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

136.) I will not say that crucifixes ward off Slytherins

137.) I will not send a ferret to Scorpius Malfoy for Christmas

138.) I am not allowed to try to sell the sorting hat

139.) I am not allowed to say that Hogwarts teaches you how to banish people to the shadow realm

140.) I am not allowed to tell first years waiting to be sorted that you must tell your deepest darkest secrets out loud while wearing the sorting hat

141.) I am not allowed to give the DADA Professor a red shirt and say it is the standard uniform

142.) I will not say "I see dead people" whenever a ghost enters the room

143.) I am not allowed to enter Honeydukes and demand to see Willy Wonka

144.) I am not allowed to hand out t-shirts that say "Quidditch Players do it in the air" as it is inappropriate

145.) I am not allowed to use a fortune teller to predict things in Divination

146.) Saying that the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin crest is wrong

147.) I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell

148.) I will not start a "Who can blow up their cauldron first" contest in Potions

149.) I am not allowed to start a beat-boxing club

150.) I am not allowed to say that OMGWTF is a spell

James Sirius Potter grinned. McGonagall was so gonna kill him when she saw this.

* * *

 **There you go, what do you think? Please Review:)**


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